Ahh. Blogger. I'm posting from my laptop. It's so nice to be able to say that. haha. I love my laptop. But thats not that important anymore. I figure that I'll wear it out soon and not care about it anymore. But for now, its awesome. I've just noticed that I always start my post very like fun and cool and then I become different. Like more deep. I think that scares me. I just use this thing to vent (as I like to call it). Just to get out all of my feelings. I know that no one probably reads this. And thats almost a comfort to me. I can say what I want and not worry about it. I do that a lot. I worry too much about what people think about me. I wish that i didn't but it's harder than anyone could think. When someone looks at me, in my head I'm thinking that they think badly of me. I hate it! I just wanna be self-confident for once in my life. I guess thats just how I am. I dunno. Wish I wasn't. But I am. And it sucks sometimes. It really does. I just wanna be happy. I wanna feel great about myself for once in my life. I wish I could. But that's the trouble. I can't. I just can't. Oh well. But all this sorta links to my dream. I've talked about it a million times. I wanna write music. I know that there are people out there that feel the same way I do. Or at least I like to tell myself. I wanna be able to write songs that people can listen to and relate to. So that they can say "Whoa. I'm going through that too." I mean if i could do that, then there would be no reason for me to be scared of anything, if I know that everyone else feels the same way. I wish. It'll probably never happen for me though. I just couldn't do it. If i ever did become a musician I wouldn't wanna be very "mainstream". I'd wanna stay more "underground". Where I'm well-know but not by the teeny-boppers but by the cool people. The people who actually listen to what a person says in a song. And don't need a catchy hook to sing a song in their head. I find that I'd rather have a good song with some meaning stuck in my head than a pop-ish song that is only popular because TRL played the video. I want t ohave fans that know what good music is and don't just listen to Britney Spear's new song all day. Ya know what I find really funny? That a lot of people in Louisiana hate Britney Spears. We used to have Pepsi billboards all over that had a picture of her and said "Pride of Louisiana". I think I'm more proud of things liek our culture than I am of Britney Spears, who proved that it is possible to be married for only 50 hours! God, I'm so proud of Britney because she's and independent woman who can steal the boyfriend of a woman who is 8 months pregnant. Makes me proud to say I'm from Louisiana!!
I'm back again! I hope everyone missed me! Don't think anyone did! (if anyone reads this!) haha. But not much is up with me these days! I get my laptop in about 2 weeks, so I'm excited about that. But, of course, it's not the kind that I want. But I'm cool! Cause I still get a laptop! yay! I so cannot wait. I wish we could get cool one's though. not boring IBM's. BUt we do get Windows XP on them. So, that's kinda cool! I want a mac though. Because macs rule. They're so much cooler-looking and they work better. That's what I want! It's simple enough! Just because it's a littl emore expensive than an IBM doesn't mean anything! Only like $300 difference! and thats if you get a cheap one online! the higher quality crap-computers are more expensive than the 14" iBook! And the iBook comes with GarageBand! I saw it online. It's like the coolest thing ever! You can make background tracks and record music! You can plug an electric guitar or keyboard in and play with different effects and stuff! And it comes as a standard feature! Sounds cool to me! You also get iTunes and a buncha other cool stuff! It's not fair! But hey, whatever floats your boat! I still get a computer so I don't care as much. I just want a better one! ha. whatever.
So, big brother's moving back in. Can't ya tell how excited I am? He's already informed me that my PlayStation will be moved into his room so that he can play it whenever he wants to. And I will be borrowing one of his guitars constantly to replace my PlayStation! I'm thinking I'll take the telecaster. That's one nice guitar. Actually it just looks really cool and that makes it awesome! ha. That's all that really matters to me! And he has like 50 million amps so i can confiscate one of those too. Even though I totally suck at guitar, but that's cool. I'm working on it! I can play "Hey Ya" very well! (for me at least. But that's pretty much it! I'm working on it! I just need some motivation or a teacher!)
ahh! I don't know! I'm really bored. Not much new is going on. Having fun doing nothing. This summer is gonna be fun. I still need to see Troy. Looks like a GREAT movie. Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt in the SAME movie. I think it's gonna be the battle for the hottest one. Orlando Bloom wins. Definitely. Ahh, Pirates of tHE Carribean was a good movie. Another hottie-packed movie. Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Both GREAT in the movie! It's a pirate movie, how can you not love it? It's just awesome!
OK. New goal. mini iPod. Totally cute and about 100 bucks less. I heard that they're giving them away at the MTV movie awards. I wanna go! I'll do anything to see famous people and get an iPod! Who wouldn't? ok. Well, maybe not anything. But I'd do a lot!! Ya know what! I'm just gonna become famous. Mark my words. I WILL do it! One day, about 10 years from now, you're gonna be watching me and they'll say my name and you can be like "Hey, I read her blog when she was 14!" haha. like that'll happen! It's fun to dream though! But really. I wanna do something cool. I want a cool job, not a boring stressful one! I wanna move to a big city and write or something. I could do it. Maybe I'll make a magazine. Or write for a big newspaper. Ok. That could be kinda stressful, but it's better than sitting at a desk doing paperwork or something boring like that! Maybe I'll be a musician. That'd be cool. I can play guitar... in a way. I'm learning. I can play "Hey Ya" better than anyone else I know. Considering the fact that I don't know a whole ton of people, it's not that great. But, I'm proud. Let me be proud. If I am a musician, I wanna be one of those mellow, kinda underground singer-songwriter types. Like a kind of Alanis Morissette, John Mayer kind of person. The kind of person who doesn't really get played on MTV or VH1, but gets to play on like late night every once in a while. I don't wanna be like a huge famous persone who gets stopped on the street by crowds of people to take pictures and sign autographs and stuff like that. I just wanna learn how to play well and share my talent with people who want to listen. I can kinda sing... in a way. I'm not the best. But good enough to get by. I'm taking choir next year. Maybe I can learn how to improve my voice. Sometimes I feel so stupid. Like I never really share stuff like this with other people. I know that no one probably reads this. But it's good to get it out. It sounds stupid because everyone says that they will be famous someday. But I just feel like it could happen. Maybe I'm trying to make myself better because of my dreams. I guess I just wanna be perfect. But, I never will be. No one is. It just seems that people are. People look perfect but they have flaws that no one else can see. Like inner-flaws that no one knows about. Maybe I'm wrong. But, don't anyone try to convince me that some people are perfect. I guess I have to get over it. I'll try. It will never happen though. I don't know. I'm so unsure. I say "I don't know" all of the time. I just get lost. I never say what I want to say because I'm afraid to say it. And I say stuff that I don't mean. But at the same time I do mean them, but I say it wrong. And after I say stuff, it haunts me and I wish that I hadn't said it. There are so many times that I wish that I could rewind and not do stuff. I wouldn't have acted so mean to people. I wouldn't have said a lot of things. I wouldn't have done a whole lot more things. I guess it just scares me sometimes that what you do is final and can't be changed. It's almost like deciding not to ride the rollercoaster because you're scared and then an hour later you want to ride it but it's too late because the park is closing in 5 minutes. But way more serious than that. Life just sucks. I feel so jealous of my friends sometimes. When they have boyfriends and they complain that she had to call him and he didn't call her. I wish they'd see that they're lucky to be with someone. I never have been. I feel so weird. Everyone else has. Why havnt I. I compare myself to other people too much. I mean it kills me when people who are perfectly skinny complain about being "fat" because they can pull their skin on their stomach. And here's big ol' me stuck in my own world wishing that that was the least of my problems. It makes me want to cry sometimes. Life isn't fair and people who have it great complain all of the time. People don't see how lucky they are. I'm happy that I have a roof over my head and that I go to a good school and I'm surrounded my good people. I just wish I was more self-confident. I wish that I had better self-esteem. I just don't believe in myself. I should. But I don't. I just wanna drift into my own world where I never have to worry about anything else. I can be who I want to be. I seem perfectly happy on the outside. But inside I'm not as happy as everyone thinks. Yeah, sure, I'm happy a lot. But, I'm sad a lot too. I just feel that I can never be good enough for myself. I can't feel good about myself until someone tells me that I'm good. I just can't find anyone who will except me for me. I have my friends and I know that they like me. We seem so alike, but different. We're a whole lot different than we think. I can't wait until next year. I can meet new people. Start a new life for myself. I know that cliques have probably already formed, even though school just let out. People know other people. At the same time that I'm happy for high school, I'm scared. I'm afraid that it'll be like one of those bad dreams where you walk into a place and everyone is talking to their friends and then they all stop at stare at you. I know it's stupid. But it's the way that I think. It seems really immature. It is really immature. But whatever. I'm gonna go get some sleep.
OK. So, my brother has been telling me to listen to this band that he really likes called Phish. I thought it was gonna be one of those weird bands that my brother likes. But, quite the contrary. They're pretty good. I don't know whow to describle them, but they're cool. Some of the lyrics are kinda weird sounding, but it works. The band is awesome, all good musicians. The vocals are... let's put it as different. Trey Anastasio seems like one of those guys that you probably made fun of in school, but turned out to be pretty cool. I guess i have to admit to Adam that Phish is good. God. I'm gonna get a "See! I told ya so." I don't care! haha. Love it.
ahhh.. summer!! I'm finally out of school! I need to start posting on this thing more often it really is free therapy! ha. last night was kinda sad. It was our graduation and then we had a big party. And, of course, all the girls were crying. I promised myself that I wouldn't but i fell into teh life of the average 14 year old and teared up! It's not my fault! My best friend is going to a different school! I wish that she could come to school with me! I miss her already. But, we have a pact to stay friends forever. sounds stupid and teenager-ish. But, gimme a break! I am a teenager! This year brought out the worst in some people, and I won't miss them. But, I also made some new friends that I have known for 10 years but never noticed before, and I'll miss them. It hasn't quite hit me yet that I'm a freshman. but it'll hit me sooner or later! (especially when I have to wake up at 6:30 during two weeks of my summer to go to computer class!) Need explaining? ok... the school that I'm going to next year is a big, private, all girls school! (we have a whole school of just boys like 2 blocks away! im not fretting!) but back to the point. The school is one of the schools in teh nation that require laptops for EVERY student. We use 'em every day. But we have to go to class over the summer to learn how to make a microsoft word document and use speadsheets and what to do when our someuters crash and all of that stuff! (or we could get macs, which look cooler and work better! but we have to make Bill Gates even richer than he already is!) ok.. now i sound all rich and mean, but I'm not. Half of the girls in my grade at SGS are going to the same school as me. So, i can't escape them!!
I realize how much I love posting on this blog. I can really get out all of my feelings. I doubt anyone actually reads it. But I still write it! It helps me a lot. I type faster now and it helps we kinda write what I'm thinking at the time. I enjoy it. I wanna be a writer when I grow up, but I can never have my sister know. She'll give me the "Oh my god, you know you like what I do" shwew. I don't know. I just wanna leave here. I wanna go to a big city. I think I'm better suited there. I don't know. I've realized that I say "I don't know" a lot. My mom and all my friends point it out to me. I guess I'm just kinda unsure. oh well. I guess i just have to live with it. Back to the big city thing. i think it would be nice to live by myself in an apartment in New York. I find all the buildings and just the over all atmosphere interesting. I've never been. I wish I could go, but I never go anywhere. I'd settle living in New Orleans. It's not that far away, but I found that I liked it, when we were there for a day. We went to a nice restaurant for brunch. We were on the 2nd floor and it had a full-length window on the street side. I could just look out of it all day. I was almost like a scene out of a movie thats takes place in New York. I can't put my finger on which movie... but it's a movie that I've seen. Maybe Serendipity. I'm not sure. I just loved that view. Well, later we walked over to the theatre to see Phantom of the Opera. It was really cool. The whole show was amazing. I liked walking around New Orleans. Just looking at all the different people. I mean, It were older people my parents' age, and people about my sister's age and a few people about my age. And it was just all the different people together in one place. Thats always how I imagined place like New York. I'm probably wrong, but oh well. I just think that its all the differnt kinds of people in the same place enjoying some of the same things together. I mean here, in Baton Rouge, it seems as if everyone is the same. We're all not the same, it just seems that way. I guess my day in New Orleans was different than a day here. Being somewhere and just being able to walk around and take everything in and not think about so many things. I just seems simple and good. I like that. I guess my outlook isn't so realistic. But wouldn't that be great? I wish we lived ina world where everyone got along. And no one cared about what other looked like or their ethinc backgrounds or the color of their skin. I wish people didn't judge other people. I'm guilty of doing that. I do it a lot more than I should. I wish that people were judged by their personality and their inside and no immediately labeled. We've been reading a play based on the Diary of Anne Frank in lit class. I remeber one quote in particular. She says "I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are really good at heart." I think everyone is, just each in a different way. Everyone can do their own good in their own way, they just have to figure out what their way is. And act upon it. I'm saying this and I guess it's harder than it sounds. Everyone has to work together for a great world and we all have to do it in our own way at our own time and let other do it in their way at their time. We all have to work together but do our own part. I want to start doing that. I need to. I should. It'll be hard. But if we all believe, we can. I know it.
I just read all the stuff that I wrote. It all just started and flowed and just went along. it seems weird. I guess that's what's inside me. Behind the smile and laughs. I never really thought about what I just wrote about. I like that side of me. The serious, more sensible side. I want to show that to people, bt no one would understand. No one I know would get it. I don't have anyone that I can just have a heart-to-heart about stuff like that with. I feel kinda lonely sometimes. I mean my friends are great, but I just don't feel like I can really talk to them sometimes. I don't have anyone who really gets me. Understands me, my views, how I feel. Maybe next year. In high school. I can find someone who I just click with. I can't wait 'til then. I need someone like that in my life. Maybe a boy, maybe a girl. It would be cool to find a guy who I can talk with. There just don't seem to be guys like that anywhere. I know that those sensitive, sensible guys are out there. That's what I need. Looks don't matter. I need someone to talk with. Just to get their opinion. Even if it is different. I want someone like that. I think everyone does. They just don't realize it. I guess until I find that person to have a heart-to-heart with, I'll just post here. Just to get it out.
god. Remeber me posting before thanksgiving when i was sick? Well, it's like when the school holidays come, I get sick. everytime. Now I'm missing mardi gras because I'm sick. I didn't get to go to southdowns or spanishtown because I am sick!!!!! Everyone else is having fun going to parades but I'm home sick! I feel better. Today my big outing was walmart. woo hoo. Forget parades.. I got to go to walmart! of course I'm being sarcastic.
So, I was watching John Mayer on Austin City Limits tonight and so were my parents. I went into the room where they were watching it and said "god, see how much fun I would have if i were going to the concert next week! I have to watch this instead of going to the concert 'cause its the best I have!" For some odd reason I still think they're gonna be like "haha" on friday and have tickets as a surprise for me. cause their reason for not letting me go was pretty stupid. But o well. You just gotta go w/ the flow. I know that they won't but I can still dream!i hope he doesnt start sucking more anytime soon. Cause they said if he comes back next year I can go. but I mean its one year's difference More like half a year!. oh well. I mean I'll be 15 next year! and I'm like 14 and a half now! so I hope he doesn't totally sell-out. or I hope he at least waits for like 2 years. I mean its not that hard! ha. I need to give him non-sucking lessons for the future. just in case. ya know! I think he's a cool musician but I just have a feeling that he will soon be a has-been. I don't know. I just wish I was going. It would be great to rub it in Stephen's face. I'm not normally like that but he did the same thing to me last year when he go to see John Mayer perform at the Saenger! So, it's like payback. And god does he deserve it.
OK. Havn't posted in a while. Been busy. Volleyball started this week. Made the team. Back the the subject of my last post. John Mayer tickets. So, my parents are being all "It's not the right atmosphere... you're too young." Hell, I'm 14! Come on! I mean it's in New Orleans. I know that there's bad stuff there! But I mean it's not like it won't be safe. I still have the slight hope in the back of my head that i will end up going. But I don't wanna get my hopes up.
So, on to a happier subject. (kinda) Tomorrow's Valentine's Day! The 14th one in a row as a single girl! Wow. I'm gonna think of it as an accomplishment, not something bad. Me and Danielle are going to the Orion Parade tomorrow. Mardi Gras is coming up! 2 days off of school to sit around and have fun!! But exams are the week after Mardi Gras. so, me and Dani are gonna go to the parade and then go back to one of our houses and watch sappy love movies. We can celebrate our single-ness together. That's what we're doing! lol. I need to get a boyfriend or something. I feel so left out. It just makes wonder what's wrong w/ me when like weird people have boyfriends and i don't. I mean they have the weird boyfriends but it's better than not having one! Wait. Never mind! I'll take the 14 year old single life before I take the 14 year old non-single life w/ a weird ass boyfriend! lol. I'm trying to help myself see that I don't need a boyfriend. I mean everyone else has their problems cause they cheated on their boyfriend. But I mean at least they have/had one! I don't see why people cheat on their boyfriend/girlfriend. I mean if you really care about someone nothing can make you do something that you know is wrong. I guess its A LOT harder than it sounds and NO 14 year old has any idea what real love and care is about. But, still! I don't know! I gotta stop thinking about all this its making me feel all weird about stuff. I don't know. I'm just gonna turn into a famous writer and live in New York. I can get a nice loft and live alone and not have to worry about all that stuff. I wanna write. i love writing. i like being able to express my thoughts and feelings. I just wanna write books or somgs. I think it'd be fun to write and produce songs for people. I wish i had the ability to sing well, but I don't. I need to work on guitar A LOT! I've noticed that I've been listening to the police and Stevie Ray Vaughn a little bit more. All that older music is really cool! I mean the Police. I love the Police. I mean theire music is so cool and fun to listen to. I got mad when Sting and Sean Paul sang "Roxanne" at the Grammys. I think Sean Paul ruined the song. I love that song but i don't think it will ever be a Reggae hit. And I also got mad when I heard the hip-hop version of "Every Breath You Take." I guess I'm just weird. O well. I wish that one day I could become cool and famous and be able to go up and accept my grammy and just thank everyone who ever made fun of me or thought I was stupid because the puts me down for a little while but it really does make me better than I am. It makes me think about how stupid they are. I don't care what everyone else thinks. Just remeber reading this blog when I'm way cool. Remeber it. I don't care what other people think anymore. I'll be going to an all girls school next year. I'll get my laptop and meet people who are kinda like me. I can't wait to do that. I can't wait for the 1st day of High School. I don;t are about all the preppy girls. I hate being the center of attention. I don't wanna be. At least not now.
New goal: John Mayer tickets. Turns out, he IS playing in New Orleans. My sister said that she'd take me and I think my parents would let me go. It's just the money. I don't care if we have bad seats... actually, yeah I do. I mean I want good seats I don't have to be on the floor but at least 1st level! I just wanna go. Just be there. hear the live music! I doesn't help that a guy on my bus already has his tickets and tickets to Pat Green and Better Than Ezra. But o well. I wanna go. I need to think of some convincing reasons for them to let me go to the concert. Hum... let's see. I'm responsible and have good grades, it could be like a 'Thank You' for not falling into the average C and C grades. I could promise to pay them back.. but I'm broke. I don't understand how everyone else gets good babysitting jobs. All I get is my aunt and one of her friends. Well, I could of had the kids across the street, but there isn't enough Advil in the world to help make a headache from those kids go away and they're annoying as hell. But I mean everyone else gets like loads of cash from people in their neighborhoods and all the people in my neighborhood are old and have kids that are like way older than me. I did get a good job over the summer. Watching this 6th grader, cause her mom didn't want to leave her home alone all the time. They paid GREAT and the kid was pretty cool. I watched her like 4 times a week for 3 weeks and her mom paid me $15 a day. I felt like the richest kid in the world. But I used all that money for my PlayStation 2. Hmmmmm. Maybe one of those 'Get Rich Quick' schemes. Naaaah. Those things never work and I don't think they apply to 14 year olds. Ok. Quick money... all I have is babysitting. Or. I could use the trick where I say "You haven't given me my allowance in a while and you don't have to do so for a while. But, instead you could just buy me tickets to the John Mayer concert." I mean $34 + $34 = $68. But, then there's like a t-shirt, and you have to buy a t-shirt it's just not the same if you don't! And t-shirts at concerts are like $25. OK. I dont need a t-shirt I just wanna got to the concert! They know about it. We talked about it last night but they said its expensive. I know it is but I mean its so way worth it!
